Who did I find?

This post is a reflection on my 20s so far. At some point early in 2019, I sought to discover myself outside of what I had grown up on. Who was I outside of spirituality and my knowledge of God?

This seemed like a valid question at the time. I still think it is. I believe asking myself this question set me on a path to discovering how much I really needed God. It’s pretty easy to say “God I am nothing without you”. It’s completely different to have lived it.

In life, it’s easier to set goals and plot a vision for your life when you’re younger because you’ve dealt with less failure and so there is less fear. You’re more confident in yourself and in most cases if you keep going you’ll actually achieve your goals and do great things. This was the story of my early 20s. I had a plan and it mostly went well. Only problem, it got boring. Like existential crisis, “Why am I alive?” kind of boring.

I can’t share all the details of my journey but I did get to a point where my life lacked a strong why. I did have some trying experiences that were enough to cause one to question everything, but I also had a lot to be grateful for, I had won at many things. I knew I could keep winning but the question was why should I? It wasn’t from sadness or self pity. Even in my worst moments, I was always sure I would recover. I just did not have a good reason to.

There are many known ways around my existential crisis problem, like reading more, travelling or even getting more degrees to broaden my horizon. These all seemed like viable options and I feel proud that I at least started reading more, but deep down I knew that I’d still come back to this point, it could take a few years or more but I knew I’d be back questioning my why sooner or later. Moreover, this wasn’t a one-off question. My why questions typically came up at least once a month.

It took a while but I finally figured that the answer ultimately lies in the heart of the one who made me. God will not force his will on me, but he definitely has a clear plan and purpose for my life.

So great start! I’ll just ask him his plan for me and go execute right? Nope! I also had to learn that he won’t show you his whole plan at once. Why? One major reason is that we can’t really comprehend the full extent of his plan for us. The more important answer is that our actual purpose is him. We don’t seek him to find out our why. Seeking him is our why.

So in trying to find myself, I found God. The true essence of your life is what gives it the most meaning. For me, I am more sure than ever that it is God.